Love Relates

Love relates.

Love is about relating to another person.

Love is ever changing and growing, it is a continuum. You cannot be in a hurry to love or know another person. In relating to another we journey through a process of discovery. We come to a deep knowing. As soon as we try to use the structure of relationship to know and predict we do not allow each other the freedom to exist as we are, to love and be loved.

In a state of not loving, we live in a vacuum, feeling empty unseen and unknown .

When we learn to Relate to another we avoid taking each other for granted which is the source of much pain and suffering.

When a person speaks for their partner, thinking that they know the other so well, they   step out of relating into a construct or perception of the relationship and each other, rather than the discovery of one another. This is not relating.  It is impossible to know another completely.

 Love is not about conquering or controlling through being able to define and name another.

Not being grateful destroys love, it is insulting and disrespectful. In these moments you  step out of the present into the past trying to predict the future, worrying about things that may never occur.

When we relate we are consistently learning about the other, we remain curious and alert. We are able to see the multi facets of the other, allowing a depth to our experiences of relating, being and consciousness. Relating is a joyful experience. The exploration of consciousness is LOVE.

Do not reduce your relating into a stagnant ‘knowing’. Otherwise the other person becomes a mirror to you distorted by your wounds.

Through exploring another person you excavate your own inner recesses. By Travelling deeper into another person’s experiences, feelings, thoughts and dreams’ you will come to know your own essence. Love is about continually searching and seeking another.

Discovering new ways of loving one another and being with each other is LOVE. In this process both people remain an inexhaustible mystery.

Love then becomes a constant adventure of relating.

Love more today by becoming conscious of how you relate to another person.

Insight - A clients' perspective: on Transforming your shadow and unlocking your creative light

Whether we know it or not, social exchange is right at the heart of our human concerns. As social creatures, is there more to life than enriching give and take and fulfilling relationships? If we have a rapport with others and with ourselves that is loving and supportive, we feel nourished and alive. If our connections are ailing, we may suffer profoundly as a result. In this era, specific help is available for improving the way we interact with others. By working with skilled facilitators we can reap the rewards of shift made to our understanding and our behaviour, regarding ourselves and beyond. If you think of the many kinds of human relationship and, in relation to them, the many more types of personal difficulties experienced, you can sense the complexity of problems that therapists, worldwide, seek to address. Regardless of differences in symptoms, a critical part of healing relationship predicaments is coming to acknowledge that, as adults, we are now personally responsible for the quality of exchanges in our lives. This fact is both hard to swallow and empowering. A therapist is someone who helps us realise that we can effect change and how we can begin to promote healing. This weekend I attended a two-day workshop which was part of Living from the Heart created and facilitated by therapist Aisha Ali. Aisha offers a dynamic and comfortable space to engage with personal hitches we may experience in our relationships. Under her safe intervention we strategically cut to the chase of difficulties and take a driving seat in moving through obstacles. Aisha Ali runs a variety of weekend workshops to assist in making positive transformations in life. The one I attended focused on our own 'shadow' self and how that impacts our lives in an everyday way. In the group, there were seven people, plus Aisha. The weekend was held in a room that was enclosing, private and conducive to opening up to the nitty-gritty of honest therapeutic work. I didn't know anything about the shadow self before we began. I entered the weekend with little clue as to what the work would entail and what scale of effect the weekend might have on me. Aisha led us forward into group activities that rapidly brought us to connect truthfully with ourselves. Using a combination of physical movements we tapped into our physical and energetic body, which is a resource of wisdom, honesty and insight. Through group exercises we also connected with each other in a way that was unself-conscious and supportive to our individual processes. Though we were a group, the issues we brought forward were dealt with in a very personal manner. Without any judgement the obstacles that confronted us were accepted and treated with respect. This level of trust was testimony to the atmosphere of safety and openness generated for the occasion. Though we were delving into our innermost selves, nothing about the facilitation felt jarring, abrupt or superfluous. After the exercises it was remarkable how much more relaxed, alert and focused we all were in preparation for the explorations. There was a very carefully selected range of music that powerfully aided the aims of the weekend. I observed, with some amazement, extensive ground being covered in a short period of time. In fact, I hadn't anticipated how much unfolding could occur in one single weekend. I observed that under the right conditions, shift happens quite dramatically. The process looking at our shadow selves was a journey we each undertook and what is important is that the workshop was suitable for everyone. It was made clear that each person only delved as deep and as far as they were individually ready and comfortable to do. This is not to say that the process was unchallenging. Through attentive guidance, the right degree of enquiry and discovery was set before us, and the accompanying willing to face this was encouraged. I believe that the proof of a workshop is in the pudding. Having been stimulated in various ways to perceive and to begin to integrate my shadow self I felt an enthusiasm for this process that left me a convert to 'shadow work'. I noticed that I went out into the world with such a fortified confidence that I marvelled at my own social relaxedness. There is a power to group-work that reaches parts that one-on-one therapy seems not to do. The reflections and the difficulties that others shared were enormously helpful and accelerated my understanding of my own behaviours. There was something mechanical to the weekend that began to fix problems in a rudimentary way. I found the comments of the people who shared this time with me uncanny in their accuracy and pertinence. Though it was a group aimed at helping the individual, it felt clear that the insights discovered, and the shift observed, was a collective group-experience. I heartily recommend Living from the Heart workshops to anyone wishing to improve the quality of their relationships with themselves and others in a down to earth and honest way. You can now follow Living from The Heart on Facebook

Embracing the Shadow – an evolution of consciousness

Archetypes lie latent in times of peace, like a volcano.
When violence breaks out they are activated and consume anything and everyone that crosses their path.
It is hard not to notice unrest in the word at the moment; it’s everywhere, from economic depression and inflation, the earth shifting on its axis, extreme weather conditions.

There are rapid changes taking place in the world environmentally, politically, personally and globally. It is no secret that unless we learn to deal with these changes we run the risk of being consumed by anxiety and dis -ease.

The collective unconscious is shared by us all. A brimming reservoir filled with archetypes of the whole of humanity shared from birth.

Love and Fear, are two basic emotions. They arise without conscious motive, but simply from necessity to survive. The content of the archetype is basically unconscious. Transformation occurs when they become conscious or when they are being perceived.

Transformation relies on the state of consciousness of individuals within which archetypes have emerged. An archetype can be experienced as image or as emotion.
Archetypes cannot be brushed aside. They will always manifest.
When a society undergoes a change the manifestations of archetypes will alter.

Archetypes are highly contagious, they trigger our own patterns of wrong doings while we go on wrong doing; the cycle of hate and revenge alternates. Man does to others what is done to him; he is forced to take sides. And so a split occurs. This spit is the cause of much suffering.

'The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate. That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner opposite, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposing halves' (Jung)

It’s time to wake up and be conscious.

Many people rely on gaining an illusionary sense of stability and confidence from external sources.There are more reliable tools for developing a sense of well being, and internal strength.A tangible immediate sense of reality does not rely on what we experience in the external world, but that which comes from within and is authentic.
The first step on this journey of integrating the shadow is to encourage people to transform their challenges and crises into opportunities for growth.

In times of crisis, people look for someone or something to blame for unrest.
"The sombre fact is that we are the cruellest and most ruthless species that has ever walked this earth; and that, although we may recoil in horror when we read in the newspapers or history books of the atrocities committed by man upon man, we know in our hearts that each one of us harbours within himself those same savage impulses which lead to murder, to torture and to war." ‘Human Aggression’ Anthony Storr (1968)

Ahimsa - Non-violence, Satya -is an expression of Truth and purity of power

"With Satya (Truth) combined with Ahimsa (Non-violence) you can bring the world to your feet… no institution can be made non-violent by compulsion. Non-violence and truth cannot be written into constitution. They have to be adopted of one's own free will. They must sit naturally upon us like next-to-skin garments or else they become a contradiction in terms.
Mahatma Gandhi

Violence is rooted in our consciousness. With reflection and awareness we can become conscious of the world we create. Firstly be acknowledging of how our inner judgements create conflict. There is no peace for those who have not conquered the shadow that lies within.

The two most powerful and negative expressions of power through humanity have been violence and greed. Aggression is an unavoidable facet of human life. Territorial rights demand the use of aggression. Wars between individuals and groups have not only been about territories, resources, and succession, but also about ideologies-religious and other. There have been differing atrocities through time many in the name of hate, religion, territory; they have all brought suffering and hatred.
Historically acts of greed and violence have had tragic consequences for individuals and those around them. The people involved have entered an altered state not about transformation or growth but a repetition of negative behaviour and the continuation of old structures that do not work. This exemplifies a negative use of power.

Aggression does not reflect human nature. It is the unconscious that separates us from our deeper nature. Targeting people or situations outside ourselves instead of looking within and taking responsibility for our shadow whether it is collective or individual prevents growth.
The riots during August in London became a playground for the unconsciousness.
The individual psyche in each of us is always moving towards health. Our deepest nature is not bestial, but divine.

Suffering is caused by holding onto anything, which no longer serves us. At a base level hate and aggression can be used as an outlet for the outrage of being separated or disconnected from others and ourselves. Because of the extreme discomfort of disconnection hate becomes another separating experience adding to a vicious cycle.

Hate and violence blocks a deep loving connection with ourselves and others. The world may appear more dangerous. More energy goes into defending and protecting which reinforces separation driving people further away from a conscious connection with the true self, connecting with the bestial, primitive survival instincts and a movement away from evolution.

The shadow represents the repressed instinctual energies that are locked away in the realm of the unconscious. They do not die or cease to function, but they are no longer directly expressed through conscious activity, they are enacted unconsciously sometimes with great force as demonstrated during the riots in London in August.

When we become polarised we become like magnets drawing towards us the opposite pole. We invariably attract those who embody our rejected shadow as partners, employers, colleagues, or neighbours who appear in our lives in relationships we cannot easily escape. If we have rejected our personal power others they will become tyrants.

We all need love and affection, needing to be heard and validated for who we are, and needing to feel safe and secure emotionally are some basic needs that allow us to grow up and function as a healthy adults. Many people have experienced some interruption in having their needs met while growing up. Many young people are aware that they are fast approaching adulthood, where they will no longer be protected by their parents and will become part of a dangerous and competitive world of peers.

Each of us has the capacity to make choices, in recognising this capacity we become conscious and empowered. An individual who has led a fulfilling life can slip and in a single moment cross a moral and ethical line that can destroy their ability to make choices and in some cases have them taken away. We have all read articles about the law abiding individuals that have been caught up in the riot. It is also possible for an individual who has been a source destruction and pain to others and themselves to make a transformation and make conscious choices in a more fulfilling direction.
The capacity for committing acts of violence lies dormant within us all. It is the ego that controls and keeps the 'bestial’ or ‘animal’ locked away; Jung termed this the 'shadow'.

Shadow projection is a mechanism to turn the 'other’ into the devil. (Scapegoating )Throughout time this has been used to justify war and violence and ill treatment.

Jung warned that all mass movements need to be treated with care and suspicion. The total psyche of the group functions below the level of the individual psyche, which sinks to a level of mob mentality. The visceral thrill is palpable by the crowds, watching and wanting to be part of something larger than themselves. Many people who got involved are caught in the moment of crowd mentality, swept up in a mania, an altered reality where certain types of behaviour is normalised.

The collective experience as a member of a group, takes place at a lower level of consciousness than if one had the experience alone. In a crowd, individuals are open to become victims of suggestibility committing acts of criminality and violence. Conversely groups can have positive effects if the energy is channelled in the right direction; it encourages individuals into performing heroic tasks, human solidarity being one of the greater examples. This has demonstrated with the clean ups after the wake of destruction, communities reclaiming their territory.
In a crowd one feels no responsibility or fear. As soon as an individual is removed from the crowd they are unable to create the previous state of mind.

As long as the shadow within us is not integrated, people will live within the constraints of archetypal instinctive aggression. As long as individuals do not deal with their personal shadow they will get drawn into the collective shadow and displace or project it onto others. It is blindness to abdicate moral sense, and to conceive evil as always outside the individual as well as the group.
These are some of the more common examples of how the shadow translates into symptom (and vice versa).

Symptom
Resentment of outside pressure
Rejection (“Nobody likes me”)
Guilt (“You make me feel guilty”)
Anxiety
Self-consciousness
Fear (“they want to hurt me”)
Sad
Withdrawn
I can’t
Obligation (“I have to”)
Desire
Hatred
Envy (“You’re so great”)


Shadow
Drive
Rejection (“I reject them”)
Resentment (of another’s demands)
Excitement
Outward focus (on others)
Hostility (“I’m angry and attacking.”)
Mad
Rejecting
“I won’t!”
(“I want to.”)
Self-hatred
“I’m better than I realize.”


‘The Integral Vision: A Very Short Introduction to the Revolutionary Integral Approach to Life, God, the Universe, and Everything’ Ken Wilber (2007)

When we come face to face with the darker aspects of humanity, metaphors through out time have provided a buffer in describing these encounters: the dark night of the soul, meeting your demons, skeletons in the closet, wrestling with the devil, having a riot…

Shadow work brings these parts of ourselves into the light of the day where we can accept, understand and integrate these hidden drives feelings, needs and potentials. They then become a part of us in a healthy whole way.

‘How do you find a lion that has swallowed you?’ Jung on the Shadow

The shadow by its definition is the unconscious that to which we have no access to. When we act without any real understanding, we feel an overwhelming urge or compulsion.
In order to meet the shadow the first step is to recognise its existence, allowing us to beak its compulsive hold.

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.
William Blake

What are the solutions?
The first step is of integration of all aspects of the personality, which is called the individuation process. The process of Individuation involves a person, integrating the contents of their psyche whilst being conscious. Leading to a discovery of the self, this has been described as divine and or authentic, the dark night of the soul.

Jung believed that reconciliation is possible when the two moral opposing poles are brought together. There is a second phase that Jung called the transcendental function. The transcendent function is the core of Jung's theory of psychological growth and the heart of what he called individuation, the process by which one is guided in a teleological way towards the person one is meant to be. The model suggests that psychological growth occurs through dialogue with the unconscious. This process has the capacity to balance what has been polarised within us.
Jung comes close to describing the Vedantic concept that the phenomenal word is illusion (Maya).
‘The universe exists in order that the experiencer may experience it, thus become liberated’
How to know god: the yoga Aphorisms of Pantanjali by Patanjali, Swami Prabhavananda and Christopher Isherwood (1969)


An exploration of the shadow in relationships will be taking place in North London 26th - 27th November 2011
It is open to couples and individuals.

Embracing the Shadow in Relationships